The Parenting Olympics: Could You Get the Gold?!Payton Foeller
This post was originally written and published by Melanie from Mostly Under Control and it’s flippin’ hilarious.
“In short, I’m a mom who is here to show you that you can give your kids boxed mac and cheese 3 times and it’s okay. You can let them sit in front of a screen and they will turn out just fine – as long as you make them stop to eat.”
Check her out on her site or on social media but for now read on to this HILARIOUS list of Parenting Olympic events. I think we really should get gold metals!
Dan and I have always joked about there being a Parent Olympics.
It all started when we realized we were “blessed” with a crappy napper with our first. We had to plan our day around his naps if we wanted him to nap. If we ran errands in the morning, we had to be home by lunch. If we ate lunch while we were out, you can kiss that nap goodbye because he would fall asleep in the car on our way home. Even the tiniest nap (10 minutes) would be enough for him and he wouldn’t go back to sleep when we got home, and a successful transfer was just not in the books for him. So if we dared eat lunch while out, whoever wasn’t driving (IE, me), had to talk to him and keep him up. Which, when he was rear facing, meant I had to sit in the back with him.
This is when I would look ridiculous. If only someone had a camera on me. Constant singing (some swear words slipped in there – don’t judge, you’ve done it too), funny faces, the whole bit.
The Parenting Olympics
The inspiration of the Parent Olympics. We have ALL been there, admit it. You sing ridiculous songs that you’re making up on the fly, and they may or may not contain some choice language. Might be the only time that you pray your child does not fall asleep.
*Finishing your snack while in hiding so your child doesn’t see OR hear you. Bonus points if it’s an entire meal.
One time I ate a bag of Cheetos in the pantry. It was a snack size bag – don’t judge me. Another time I downed a bag in the laundry room but had to shove them into the clean laundry basket when the big one came running around the corner. Because they can ALWAYS hear the rustle of the bag. But definitely, can’t hear you call their name when they’re watching TV.
They have to be sleeping for the perfect amount of time in the car. If they’re in a too deep sleep and you wake them up, nap time is over. If their sleep is too light you can easily wake them up and again, nap time is over. My husband gets the gold in this one every time. I don’t even place.
*BONUS: Successful transfer of a sleeping baby from the pack n play at a friends’ house, to the car seat, then to their own crib. A triathlon, if you will.
My oldest was able to do this. I don’t dare attempt it with the youngest.
*A marathon – bathing suit on, sunscreen on, floaties on, “MOM, I HAVE TO PEE!” Floaties off, bathing suit off, race wiggly toddler to the bathroom (because we all know they wait until they literally cannot hold it any longer before they actually say they have to pee). Bonus points if they’re wet from the pool.
This can also be a winter sport – replace clothing with snow suit.
*Finding all of the creaks in your floors in the path leading from their bed to the door in their room.
Because God forbid you to go in to check on your sleeping angel and he startles. RUN. All those years in the 90’s of Minesweeper instead of writing your 3-page paper are finally paying off.
*Follow up – being able to successfully sneak out of your child’s bed after lying with them to fall asleep. You can really go for the gold if you avoid falling asleep.
It’s so comfy. Why would he not want to sleep in here by himself?
*Cleaning up a poop explosion on a road trip.
This needs no explanation. Possibly one of the worst scenarios.
*Actually completing a road trip with minimal stops. (Pull Ups for the potty trained).
And then you hope and pray for no potty training regression when you get home.
*Changing an older infant or toddler without allowing them to flip themselves over. Bonus points if they don’t crawl away.
This is the straight up definition of wrestling a greased pig. It’s like as soon as you get them on the floor (forget changing tables), they look at you with those mischievous eyes and know exactly what their next move will be. And handing them a toy does nothing. They want the remote control for the TV that your older one is watching. So if the baby changes the channel, you’ve got a real riot on your hands.
::::GAG:::::*Going an entire day without getting food stuck to the bottom of your feet.
Is it a Cheerio? A yogurt bite? A Puff? Those little buggers are sticky.
*Choosing the lunch that your child actually wants that day.
Wait, didn’t you like peanut butter yesterday?!
*Changing an overnight poopy diaper without turning on the light.
Do NOT turn on that light. This will definitely cause too much stimulation and consequently, a middle of the night wake up party. Fire up the Netflix.
*Taking the perfect picture of your kids for social media – in under 5 shots.
I love looking at my gallery on my phone because there are always 10-15 pictures in a row of the same pose of my kids. ALWAYS.
*Changing a diaper at a public place without a changing table.
Give me a Presidential Candidate who requires these in every single public restroom. I don’t care if it’s Alf. I will vote for him. Oh, and self checkout lanes. But that’s a different blog post.
What would YOU add to the Parenting Olympics?