The Mommy Wars: You Only Care because you’re InsecurePayton Foeller
Mommy wars, mommy wars, mommy wars. . .
I swear that’s all people have been talking about. And I’m over here rolling my eyes at you all for wasting your breath on it. Come on ladies! Don’t we have better things to do? Are we not more secure than this? Maybe we aren’t.
How do we have time on our hands to care that your neighbor thinks you’re crazy for using a toddler leash? When you have a runner you totally get the toddler leash! And your neighbor doesn’t have a runner! How are they suppose to know?
Think about it… it’s a leash… for a child. You can’t tell me that you don’t see how that might look.
Maybe – not pointing fingers – but maybe you don’t see it because you’re a little insecure about that baby leash too. Maybe you’re on the defense because you aren’t confident in your decision. Maybe.
Maybe the toddler leash isn’t your battle. The mommy war you’re fighting is real. Super real. So very very important. And real.
Are you the breastfeeding mom getting judged by those old ladies for nursing in public? Do they have a little nursling? Do they remember what it’s like? Probably not. Then why do you care what they think? Do you think their opinion is going to affect you any further than the mood it’s putting you in that moment? Unlikely.
What matters: are you comfortable? Are you confident? Are you sustaining life? Are you whole and healthy? Are you doing your best?
‘See you’re already judging me, you mentioned breastfeeding first because you think I’m terrible for bottle feeding!’
Maybe I am. Maybe I do think that you’re terrible. At the very least I probably am annoyed. But it’s not for bottle feeding. I think you’re terrible for not owning your choice. I think you’re crazy for thinking that I’m going to remember any of this in five minutes. People judge you, feel better about themselves for two seconds and then move on.
Yes, I am of the opinion that if you can breastfeed you should. I would point you toward the many health benefits for mom AND baby. If it’s possible, why would you not take advantage? Parenting is about squashing every ounce of selfishness from your soul, and that includes handing over the rights to your boobs for the well-being of your child… And very likely experiencing a ton of pain to make it work.
That being said; there are legitimate reasons for supplementing, bottle feeding, or whatever alternative people may choose. There are always good reasons for choosing an alternative, even if it’s not statistically the best option. Having to choose something other than the ideal does not make you a bad parent. Because that alternative IS the best option for you. People judging you are annoying. They’re silly for wasting their time because they don’t have all of the information. But you know what, you can’t change them! You know who you can? ‘Me… I can change me.’
Wow, you’re smart.
You can only change yourself – so if you don’t breastfeed who gives a flying fart what I think? What do you think? If you did all you can do and went a different way then own that. If you didn’t do all you could and you’re feeling a little regret, own that too. Remember it for the next time and then move.
Are you starting to see my point? Because I’m tired. And falling asleep trying to think of all the things we mommies get judgy about. The list is long.
The list is long.
Ugh. Schooling. We are just entering this phase. My tiny two-year-old is smart. I don’t just say that because I’m her mama, she just is. And right now we are leaning homeschooling because I remember being so bored in school until about my freshman year in high school. I never felt challenged and I know I was capable of more than I gave. We are going to give homeschooling a shot in the early years and try to push her to her maximum potential. If she turns out weird and unsocialized you all can judge me later.
And you know what, I won’t care! I am doing the best I can with what I have right now. And what I have is a crazy high energy toddler who needs to be challenged in a way I just don’t think public school alone will provide.
You may have it the other way around. Maybe your kiddo is just lagging a bit. Maybe they need that mothers touch to push them harder than a stranger could to help them catch up.
Or maybe you’re going public school or private school because you know your child will listen to a teacher better than they will listen to you.
Maybe you just need a flippin’ break from them. I get it. We are trying homeschool two days and private daycare/preschool two days.
Who cares what your reason is; if it’s working for you than just own it.
Own that ponytail.. work that up-do… anybody…? No.. okay. Anyway…
There are just too many things we get judgey about. I can’t list them all and give you my opinion to either judge or applaud.
And my point is not which choice is better or which exceptions are acceptable.
My point is quit it. Quit fighting the mommy war. It’s just too exhausting. Put your pipe cleaner sword down. Drop the poopy diaper shield in the trash. Just disengage. It’s not worth your time, energy, and whatever mental faculties you might have left.
Trust me, you’ll need all you can get to make the rest of these parenting decisions that someone will inevitably judge you for.
Have I told you my favorite saying since I became a parent?
– Whatever Works –
Whatever keeps you all alive.
Whatever your gut tells you.
Whatever you can live with.
Whatever won’t keep you up all night worrying.
Whatever will keep your toddler distracted so you can have two seconds alone.
They’ll likely survive you, I promise. Why waste time feeling judged over all the things you chose? If you’d chose it again then just own it, Mama. If you wouldn’t, then stop feeling judged and hurt, just change it. People judge us for a reason, either they’re insecure and looking for flaws to make themselves feel better or they genuinely think you’re making a bad decision.
Next time someone wages mommy war on you, just shut it down. Instead of playing the victim and complaining about people judging you (did she just say that?) ask yourself, ‘why do I care?’
Do I care because I’m insecure or because I know I’m wrong?
And then whatever your answer – fix it.