My Birth Story: An Unexpected Turn and a Postpartum Guided JournalPayton Foeller
This is a republishing of an older post! The original, my birth story, is the same but it doesn’t include the details about the new awesome freebie at the end. Enjoy!
I think it’s OK because labor sucks.
I had a very easy going, lovely pregnancy. I had ailments that cleared up, asthma that took a back seat, headaches that disappeared (that have now returned PP). I thought to myself, ‘I could do this a million times over again.’ As I approached 42 weeks of pregnancy I started to second guess that thought. I trusted that my body could do this. Women are built for this, right? I trusted God and trusted my body to pick the right time until my doctor said, ‘no more waiting. Come in and we will discuss where we go from here; induction.’ Surprisingly, the morning of this appointment I woke up to some painful yet exciting contractions. I asked for this, right? This is good, this is good, but holy cow that hurt! We went into the regular appointment time and I was barely dilated. She allowed me a few hours to walk the mall (sneak some chick-fil-a that I would soon regret) and try to progress on my own, which I did a little.
My plan of a natural, cozy, drug-free labor went out the window about two miserable hours later as I pressed the call button with all my might and begged for the epidural, assuring the nurse I didn’t care what my plan said, hook me up now. One nurse gave me some tips to work through some contractions. Go ‘loosey goosy’ when the pain hits, which helped for about five seconds. Something about the way the baby was sitting caused more pain than usual I suppose and to that I said, Thank you God for drugs! My husband was almost in tears at the relief that the epidural brought me, and I could finally take a breath and almost had tears of joy.
The whopping four and a half hours between breaking my water and getting that epidural were the longest hours of my entire life. God bless all the women who make it drug-free, you amaze me. Truly, you’re amazing. The ‘sleep’ I was able to get the relief actually helped me progress and by the next morning, after a long night, I was fully dilated and the real work began and lasted for almost four hours with no success.
I heard them counting tools and sponges getting ready for the procedure as I chatted incoherently with the anesthesiologist about epidurals. I explained all the reasons I hadn’t wanted one in so much detail that she asked me if I worked in obstetrics. Nope, I just do my research. But all the research in the world didn’t make things go my way or even close to the way I wanted. Not even an hour later they had the baby out and they held her up by my face while they sewed up my insides. It was not the dream but it is our story.
She’s so beautiful, aw so sweet, I love her, she’s so cute. Everyone loved my baby, but I wasn’t sure if I did. All that I was sure of was that I was tired and sore and drugged up. All I knew was I wanted this tiny human to *pardon my french* shut up for an hour so I could sleep…
For the first… at least four weeks of my daughter’s life… I wanted to give her away. Not forever, just for a few nights, maybe a week or two, a month possibly? I had changed my mind and I didn’t think I wanted her The weight of saying that out loud was really tough. I felt like everyone loved my kid more than me. Every ‘she’s so precious’ and ‘oh, I love her already’ had my stomach turning because I didn’t. I didn’t love her already, or I didn’t feel like I loved her yet.
After several breakdowns through the week, we prepared to head home with our new screaming bundle of chaos / I mean my pretty bundle of joy. My husband helped me shower; like an elderly person and a nursing home worker. Which looking back was a beautiful display from a loving husband, but at the time wasn’t great for the ego.We made it home slowly; cringing through every bump and crevasse – thank you C-section. Getting into the house felt like coming home from being gone on a very long and not so very fun vacation. That vacation where everything is planned out and sounds good on paper but along the way, everything goes wrong; it rains on your beach day, all the theaters are closed, and then you get food poisoning, kind of a vacation. And then you give birth to the food poisoning and have to take it home with you; oh and it’s really loud and smelly.That whole, ‘oh as soon as you see the baby you will forget all the pain and all the labor and all the stress will just melt away with the baby fat;’ that’s crap. Just pure crap. I remember all the pain and all the labor, except for the few hours after the C-section where I was too foggy to spell my own name.It took several days to get used to being home. We had one night where she slept for 9 hours straight, thank heavens, because I was about to die of exhaustion.
It took several weeks to wean off the drugs and learn how to manage nursing a newborn.And it took several months to feel like it was ‘worth it.’It did not happen ‘the moment I saw her’ like most people say it does. And now I know that’s okay. The Haze has lifted and the hormones have leveled off. New mommies: give it time. The fog will clear. You can know everything in the world and still struggle with the adjustments a new baby brings. You can have a plan and be completely derailed. You can not love your baby and survive it. You will survive it.
The new Journal is finally finished!
It’s is a 6 week guided journal for the postpartum mom and you neeeed to get this for yourself and all you’re preggo friends!The journal will provide:
-a way to monitor feelings and moods each week so the new mom can visibly see the improvement or
more easily be aware of no change and the need to seek help from family, friends, and/or medical professionals.
– 6 gorgeous postpartum and birth quote printables to encourage her and display as she pleases.
-6 weeks of free thinking journaling prompts to promote self-awareness and personal healing for the new momma.
-6 weeks of ‘finish this sentence’ to promote record keeping of those first several precious moments and to help monitor her health and growth through these weeks.
-a weekly health check to serve as a simple reminder to be drinking water, eating healthy,
practicing self-care, and remembering others.
You can get the Journal HERE!!! Come get it!
If you journal it out, talk it out with friends, scream it out in your pillow, and you’re still feeling down get help. Talk to your doctor and do some research – check out some sites like this one to get an idea of where to go from here. Don’t settle. You can and will feel better.
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