5 Reasons You Need to Declare ‘Mommy War’Payton Foeller
‘Mommy wars’ – it’s just our kitschy mom way of saying ‘judgy.’ People are calling for us all to put a stop to these ‘mommy wars’ that’s great and all, but are we really saying there’s never a case that calls for a time to break out the gavel and declare a judgement on a mom.
I can think of a few things that might warrant someone ‘judging’ me and declaring ‘mommy war.’
1. When there is Blatant Disregard
I’m sure this seems a little ‘duh’ but it needs to be said. Don’t do stupid things then get mad when people judge you for it. I’m going to wage mommy war if I come across a child who is neglected or hurt. I’m going to make a judgment call and take further action. I’m not going to write it off and say, well I wouldn’t want to judge. Maybe it’s not the parent’s fault, maybe they need help too. Either way, a judgment needs to be made. Seek help making the call if need be but don’t leave obvious wrong doings alone.
2. When there is Ignorance
People, come on. Stop saying people are judging you when you are clearly wrong. Stop taking offense to it when people suggest your toddler may not be ready to enroll in college. Yes, they’re smart, but calm down and save that tuition money. . .
Obviously, that’s hyperbole. But we are only human. We have gaps. We have things we have yet to learn or things we just forget!
Our daughter starting talking fairly early and she would kindly demand things of us. More, books, whatever it was I was just excited that she could communicate. I sort of forgot about the please and thank you. It just hadn’t crossed my mind yet. At all. I remember my mother-in-law encouraging her to say thank you after I gave her something and that light came on. ‘Oh yeah… she might benefit from some manners!’ I didn’t think anyone was judging me! They were just coming along side us and filling in our gaps, our community often does. We can’t know it all. And we don’t need to be angry at those who ‘judge’ us for the better. We need to use manners and thank them for filling in the gaps for us.
3. When There are Controversial Issues
Co-sleeping, natural birth, public school, homeschool, vaccines, blah, blah, blah… my brain is turning to mush just thinking about all the reading I’ve done on all the ‘hot topic’ parenting issues.
Everyone has a right to their opinion. Everyone has a right to hold tight to an opinion that you think is wrong. You have the right to think their wrong.
Wait, wait, wait… I don’t want to judge people.
But you do HAVE TO make a judgment. You have to make these decisions. It’s your job. The hardest and most important job you’ll ever do. If you think you can get away without making the decisions, think again. Remaining ‘undecided’ is making a decision. No matter how ‘fluid’ our society decides to be there is still a majority opinion on these topics. Not deciding is deciding you agree with that.
PAUSE: Read that again. I did NOT say that agreeing with the mainstream opinion was bad. I DID insinuate that not doing your research and failing to actively make a decision was lazy and poor parenting. There is no reason, in this age of information always at your fingertips, to be uninformed.
Don’t get uppity about your decision if you don’t want to be labeled judgy, but do make a judgment. Judge what is best for you and why. Possibly, prepare to explain and inform if asked. Learn the difference between judging and having good judgment.
4. When She Needs Help
Is too busy.
This mama knows what needs to be done. But she’s drowning. She’s tired and just can’t do it. She knows she’s not doing THE best but she is doing HER BEST.
She needs you to wage mommy war! She needs you to look at her. She needs you to judge her and say, you need help, and then give it.
Our culture says we need to do it all and do it all ourselves. And do it all perfectly. And.. and.. and the list goes on. But that is just not going to happen. We can’t do it all on our own. We need our people, our mommy friends, our family, to judge us and step in to help when we are failing. Because we will fail.
We need to be willing to see when our people are failing and then offer our help, not just our critiques. This goes for everyone, not just parents. But it’s especially true in the ‘mommy wars.’
5. When She’s at War
This one may be stretching the terms a bit. But… We need to get judgy; we need to declare war when she’s engaged in the ‘mommy wars.’
If she is constantly judging others for reasons other than ones listed above, then you need to call her out. People are raging about mommy wars for a reason. People are using judginess – not good judgment. Be an example of the later and point out when you see a mom friend being former.
Likewise, if other people are declaring war on her – step in with encouragement. Encourage her to be secure in her choices and help her to change them if she’s not. Like we said last week, the only reason she cares what they’re saying about her; she’s insecure or she’s rethinking her decisions.
We need to quit being passive in the name of kindness.
You not pointing people to truth is not kind, it’s just not.
Before you get judgy and declare war:
- check your heart
- check your motives
- check your facts
Sleep on it maybe, and if you still feel strongly, speak up.
But stop being passive in the name of kindness.